Princess Leia: General Rieekan thinks it's dangerous for anyone to leave the system until they've activated the energy shield.
Han Solo: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.
Princess Leia: I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.
Chewbacca: (laughs)
Han Solo: Laugh it up, fuzzball.
Our Culture's Version of Success Excludes Most of Us
Our culture has different ways to tell us how we should act as a "successful person." U.S. history books portray the most successful people as nearly perfect white guys who never make mistakes. First of all, these versions of life exclude most of us. So we must reject those versions, or else severely limit ourselves to fit within these versions.
For those of us who enjoy reading biographies of famous people, we know that famous people are not even close to perfect. In fact, it is their mistakes and personal issues that help us learn how to live with our own dark side. John Steinbeck's super precise attention to details for his writing inspires me to try harder in my writing. Eleanor Roosevelt's initial fear of public speaking reminds me that a weakness can become a great strength. Susan B. Anthony's willingness to self-publish her own pamphlets despite many people openly disagreeing with her views tells me that I should courageously stay out of my comfort zone.
The Dark Side: Where Anger and Being Uncheerful Is Not Acceptable
Where did my own comfort zone come from? It stems from the messages of my childhood. The biggest problem is that my childhood messages made almost all of my emotions into dark emotions. I was not allowed to be uncheerful or angry--ever. Really, ever. So much so that I could not even recognize the feeling of anger as an adult. My husband would tell me, "Boy, are you angry!" I'd reply with a big smile, "No, I'm not" and truly believe it. Later, as I came to understand myself better, I found out that he was right. I was super angry and just couldn't tell.
How Positive Emotions Can Become Disturbing
How did my childhood make even positive emotions become disturbing? Positive emotions become disturbing and stressful when they are not accepted by others. For example, I grew up in a family where I was deemed to be unfunny. Therefore, any form of my light-hearted comments was viewed as "wrong." No one laughed, even out of friendly courtesy. I wasn't allowed to develop in this direction. I ended up very shy this way because I really didn't understand that people outside my family would have a better and kinder perspective.
How do wonderful opportunities turn into nightmares? When people feed you messages that scare the crap out of you. When family does not support you to bravely try new things.
Feeling "Wrong" About Becoming Bigger, Better, More
I also grew up in a home where boys/men were deemed bigger, stronger, better, smarter, and "more" in every way. Every day of my childhood re-emphasized these viewpoints. As a result, I've always had a tinge of feeling "wrong" about being smart, talented, and successful in any way. When I try for very big goals, I still often have a devil on my back about this. But I do know where it stems from and, accordingly, actively reject it as well as possible.
Facing Our Own Dark Side
So, those are some examples from my own life, but everyone has their own recipe of dark emotions that disturb them. And I believe that emotional overeating and failure to take care of health stems from ignoring our dark emotions. Yes, we can sedate ourselves until we can no longer feel the dark emotions...or we could face them.
I've chosen to face mine because living my life under these constrictions was stifling. It was destroying me. I came to a point where I decided that I'd rather face it all than live within it.
So I let myself get angry to see what happened. Yes, I did not sedate myself with food--I let the angry emotion be raw. And I survived it! And I did not fall off the edge of the earth.
I allowed myself to be funny. When I first tried out saying a funny thought, I was rather scared about it because of years of rejection of these thoughts. But does it really matter if not a single other person shares my personal sense of humor? No. But I've happily found out that some people do. Don't you think that Chewbacca/Leia picture above is hilarious? Looks like the Fuzzball didn't do too badly in the end. :D
I instruct myself to try for my highest potential. Yes, I'm super duper "wrong" when I do this, according to my childhood messages. So I must be rebellious and brave. And I have found so much support from my husband and my four kids. More support comes from friends, who are trying to reach *your* own potential.
And as I faced my dark side, I got less afraid of being myself. At this same point, I started losing excess poundage and got in shape.
The Epic Journey To The Dark Side Is Worth It
Welcome to the dark side--because knowing our dark side frees us. We need to face these scarier emotions in their raw state to realize that they won't conquer us. We need to openly confront these emotions to keep them from zapping our energy that we could otherwise be using to reach our best goals.
Be brave and face your dark side. On your epic journey to the dark side, you will find your own happiness, humor, courage, and potential, that will make your odyssey worth your while. Sure, you'll find better ways to face anger and annoyances, but you'll also unlock your humorous, bratty, naughty, creative, and explorative emotions too.
What are *your* experiences with the dark side? And, as usual, say anything you want to add
Have a fun day!
:-) Marion
Hmmn, very interesting post. I'm not ready to share. I will say this much; Sometimes negativity in our lives can produce positive results. It can be from all of life's experiences, childhood, young adulthood, careers...something negative in our lives can push us into positive action. I'm just not ready to share the truth (you want the truth...you can't handle the truth;) I've used humor all my life to mask many things.
ReplyDeleteHi Marc! I guess all that matters is that you are truthful to yourself and know how you want to proceed.
DeleteI do agree that negative seeming things can push positive action. I also see people acting very positive who are inwardly very negative.
:-) Marion
It's so true that we have to face our emotions and deal with them. When I gained a lot of weight many years ago, it was in a very stressful time, and I didn't want to deal with my life.
ReplyDeleteI still have to be careful when life gets stressful and difficult. I still sometimes reach for food when I am upset or emotional, but more often than not, I now put it back and deal with the emotions.
Hi Andrea! Yes, the example you give above is how being upset is dealt with in a healthy way. Lately, if I'm grumpy, I come up with some task that will be happier to have it accomplished--and attack it immediately. It's a form of distraction but also an alternative way to get a small brain zing (of accomplishment) that doesn't come from food.
DeleteI've read research that naturally slim people know how to handle their emotions better. The difference, I think, is better perspective about the very same daily life situations. I think the better perspective itself comes from having better support and encouragement during childhood trial-and-error with all of its frustrations. If the perspective wasn't gained there, it has to be gained later, like I'm doing.
:-) Marion
Your posts always provide food for thought.
ReplyDeleteHi Enz! Thanks. I view that as a great compliment. Like I say above, I try to put out my own viewpoint like Suaan B. Anthony did, knowing that some posts may not be popular because of that decision. However, I am always true to myself. This post looks like it's going to get many less comments than my usual more happy posts, but I feel that the liberty to self-publish my viewpoint is more important than amount of comments.
Delete:-) Marion
We can only help ourselves, no one else can help. I am finding this more and more the older I get. I am alone, I am having to keep my head above water without the help of others. There is only one being that will and is there for me and that is God. I handle my darkness with His help, I will survive through His strength because He is the only one that truly cares.
ReplyDeleteHi Sheri! Well, I can hear, from your comment, a collaboration of God and you both handling your dark emotions. I totally agree with your perspective. What does trouble me however, is what is called a "spiritual bypass" in order for a person to completely avoid personally handling their tough stuff. I feel very sad about people who think that God wants them to have pain and sorrow, when much of their troubles could be resolved through the growth process that involves confronting it.
Delete:-) Marion
Exercise has allowed me to be the person who I am and want to continue to be. I agree that laughter and being yourself without concern for others' opinions is paramount to happiness. No obstacle is too big and we can often achieve a lot more in life than we allow ourselves to.
ReplyDeleteHi Paul! Yes, I think we have to be far less concerned about other people's opinions and much more concerned about whether we are being who we personally truly want to be. And I agree that we need to "allow" ourselves to achieve more.
Delete:-) Marion
I don't have a dark side. I'm all sweetness and light.
ReplyDeleteKidding! You're right that we all need to understand how our emotional state affects our general well-being. The hard part is when difficult emotions arouse anxiety or panicky feelings because, for me at least, that causes a reflexive turning to food. I've been trying alternative strategies for a long time now, and someday I hope they will work more consistently. Thanks for the post!
Hi Connie! I think we need to take a minute during those anxious or panicky feelings and ask "why am I feeling this way?" Many times when I asked myself that, I instantly knew why. It usually involves some negative past event/comment. And just knowing the "why" helped me face the situation with more comfort. Part of the anxiousness is caused simply because we don't know why it happens.
Delete:-) Marion
I definitely have a dark side - a lot, lot darker than most people think or realize. I'm still trying to work through that side. Taking up MMA training has helped me channel a lot of anger, sadness, and frustration -- but it hasn't solved the underlying issues. I think that's why I'm still struggling so much ...
ReplyDeleteHi A! I think that most us, including all of us women, have much more dark emotions than people imagine. And society doesn't really respect the idea of us embracing them--which results with us always in a tight spot on this issue.
Delete:-) Marion
I agree with Enz. Your posts really get me thinking which is why it usually takes me a few days to comment. My dark side is my own self in many ways. The heavier I became the more I internalized everything. I grew angry and bitter. These emotions came out in snarky comments, dirty looks and negativity toward others particularly my family. Running and a newfound love for nutrition has helped me to shed not only weight, but a terrible attitude. I'm happy now, but still struggling in many ways to let go of my dark side.
ReplyDeleteHi Aimee! I have done a lot of emotional work regarding my dark emotions. I have personally found that it isn't so much that we have to let go of our dark emotions, but rather, we need to face them and ask "why" they exist. (Insert my reply to Connie's comment here.) The dark emotions will teach us and guide us, if we let them. And the more we embrace them, the less dark they appear to us.
Delete:-) Marion