Yesterday, I had sort of a flashback to my more troubled past, a sort of loser/confused feeling, to which I responded by eating, which used to be the daily typical response to the loser/confused feeling I always used to have in my mind. This post is about shaking the devil off my back--yet again!
For those of us who have troubled pasts, (and yes, I personally have a troubled past), we can get pretty good at shaking the devil off our backs. I'm actually very good at it, at this point. But that doesn't mean that the devil doesn't linger 30 steps behind, waiting for an opportunity to climb back on. And yesterday, I again felt this loser/confused feeling so common to my past. It sort of paralyzed my actions and my mindset for a while.
What brought this on? Growth. Trying to be more, bigger, better. Trying to meet up with my true potential. Some thoughts in my brain continue to try to hold me back from doing that. I can feel the tug, but usually it is a very weak tug at this point. But it never goes completely away.
So when my daughter K made a to-do list out for me regarding my new "author website," some of the things on the list bring out my "freak factor." Most of me knows I'm plenty talented, but there is something dark too that comes out to play. I think it is that my past tries to tell me that I'm not deserving. Do *you* personally relate to what I'm talking about here?
Daughter K knows this. My husband and all of my kids know this very well. I'm going along with life super well and crazily happy with all of my exclamation point (!!!) living and then--one of those weird days where the loser/confused feeling pops up. And I act like a weirdo.
They all tell me: Quit thinking so hard. Just do the things on the list.
So that was yesterday. No need to worry. And please do not freakin' comment ((hugs)) to me unless they are ((snarky hugs))--which I gladly accept. :D
I do not need anyone's sympathy in my struggle to become my best person. I'm so fortunate that I'm willing to aggressively tackle this struggle, which I could barely face even 10 years ago. Do you hear me? Fortunate.
Today, I'm going to tackle K's to-do list like a deserving person, who we all know is talented too. I'm probably going to drink far too much Diet Cherry Pepsi (that anti-goal has already been achieved!) but get a lot of work done.
Because I deserve success as much as the next successful guy or gal. All of *you* do too. So we must keep shaking that devil off our backs and go for our absolute best, even if that means we temporarily get shaky and confused about it.
I remind you again: no freakin' ((hugs)) down there in the comments--please. Thanks--or else you're personally going on my yuck list (which is more of a "brown list," conjuring up many yuck things, and not to be confused with a "black list.") And I mean it. :D
:-) Marion
We must have our struggle periods synced, because I've felt a little bit off/distracted the last few days. Luckily, I managed to shake the devil off my back today.
ReplyDeleteWe will forge on whether despite the obstacles, because we must. What would be the alternative?
Huggies, Marion! (eek!!) :-)
Hi Satu! Okay, you're really on the line with "huggies" followed by "eek!!," but I'll take that as snarkastic. :D
DeleteWhat is the alternative? Well, what we both used to do--let those feelings dictate our lives while we drown ourselves in mind-numbing addictive stuff. And let days, months, and years of that feeling be destructive in our lives.
So onward we forge!
:-) Marion
The past is the past, Marion. I know you know that. I read something really profound today, that might fit:
ReplyDelete"we stop looking for monsters under our bed, when we realize they are within us."
The past has most certainly helped shape who you are, but like with losing weight, each choice is a new decision to be made. I'm very glad you are choosing to push that less-than-positive thought down and right out your back exhaust. ;)
Any other response?
:: slap out of it! :: (/Cher via Moonlight) (is that better? :) )
Hi Gwen! Oh, I loved Cher in Moonlight! I might have to watch that again. I don't even remember her saying that in the script.
DeleteI do think that my past has given me depth, but I sure did not like my mood yesterday. What I do know is that I don't accept those negative thoughts. And I'm very willing to fight them every single time they come back.
:-) Marion
crap! She said "SNAP out of it", with a slap to the face.
Delete:: doh ::
and good for you!
Hi Marion, I don't know you except through the time spent reading your blog. I do know past life, some of which was...that's not important. I know survivors that have come out on top, despite difficult pasts. And I know a guy that has the ability to do whatever he chooses in life. He has been a licensed lawyer in two states, has a masters in Education, a masters in accounting, and a couple other degrees, plus he was an Army Airborne Ranger. But he self destructs his own happiness, personal and professional, every time he gets close to the top, because of the trauma of our childhood. Marriage #4 just crashed and burned for him. I'm glad you recognize your own devil and know how to process it. Not everyone is able to.
ReplyDeleteHi Marc! Yes, childhood trauma is the root cause of almost every problem a person can have. Some new research studies show that soldiers with childhood trauma have a much greater chance of getting post-traumatic stress.
DeleteAnd it's almost like a person with childhood trauma, like your friend, tries 10 times harder on everything in his/her life to try to make up for not being able to please the dysfunctionally un-please-able people in his/her childhood. That's so sad for your brilliant friend because if trying hard would fix things, he would have already fixed it a long time ago simply out of sheer effort.
:-) Marion
The first part of your post is exactly how I'm feeling today and have been feeling recently. I haven't turned to any food or anything like that for comfort/distraction, but the mental anguish is such a heavy burden.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to make my to-do list right now and then start tackling it one by one. I also do believe that I am strong enough to handle all of this, but I sometimes I want to take a moment and not be strong at all.
Hi Marion, I get a similar feeling, sometimes I wonder if everything will be taken away from me because I don't deserve it and then I go into a downward spiral if I don't start talking sense into my head..I usually start by making a list of why I deserve everything I have, it reminds me of all the hardwork, effort I have put in and the fact that I could change stuff makes me realise if I do my part and stay strong I deserve everything I can dream of (I hope you are already back to your normal self when you are reading this :))
ReplyDeleteI've been a funk and turned to food to help get over it. I made a mental list of things to get back on track. It's a short list, very short but that's about all I can handle at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI think I've shaken the devil off my back, but he's holding on to my ankle with one hand. *GRIN*